September has come and gone for me in what felt like an eternity in pain, anxiety and all of the emotional and hormonal waves that my body endures at this point. I am exhaused, I can see that I am not getting anywhere while I wait patiently.

I do not like to complain, so even describing the agony that I endure each pain cycle is challenging for me. Prepare yourself to know more about my uterus than you would maybe like to.

I have adenoids in my uterus, adenomyosis it is called. I have PCOS. I have a c-section scar defect as well as a miss-shaped uterus to begin with… Plus Centralized Sensitization Syndrome, which is a big fancy way of saying that my central nervous system is chaotic and not functioning at optimal levels, creating waterfall cascades of imbalanced hormones in my system, and uptakes in the pain receptors making more inflammation and pain that really doesnt need to be there. If you understand the science of pain, you understand the fact that prolonged pain creates other symptoms. If you are in pain, and have never heard of this- please do yourself a favor and google the science of pain- or you can ask your doctor or health practitioner.

For me, it all starts with ovulation, and does not dissipate until after my period finishes, and then after shock of being in that much pain, and using that much THC medication to manage it is damaging for my body. The last cycle was 17 days of pain, followed by about 7-10 days of re-calibrating myself emotionally and physically post-debilitation. Around the 10th day I begin to feel like myself again as the adrenal fatigue lifts, just in time to have a few days before I start all over again. These last few pain cycles have been relentless and they seem to be getting worse… but that is pain science.

Being defined by pain, what you are capable of because of it, and moreso, what you are incapable of because of starts to take a serious toll on your body, both physically, and mentally.

This last cycle had me menatlly/emotionally spiralling near the 14th day, and in full on crisis by the 18th day as I came down from the pain. I called the crisis line from my bathtub when I couldn’t regain my composure, and my husband was no longer capable of supporting me emotionally… 18 days straight of patience and understanding while your wife is not capable of taking care of herself is too much for anyone to handle, even my loving husband! This is not easy, and it is hard on our relationship as husband and wife.

In those 18 days I was in so much pain that all I wanted to do is be numb to it all. Hide and really just survive the best I can. I am not myself in those days.

I am low energy and adrenal fatigued.

I am sad. I cry.

I am incapable of taking care of our house, or the kids, or myself.

I am foggy.

I lose time, like someone with alzehimers.

I am quick to anger with my husband.

I am quick to anger with my children.

In those long pain cycles that feel hopeless- I am not taking care of myself. I don’t eat, or I eat too much. I don’t do anything, or I try and do too much, and cause a flare up in pain. I dont have the desire to be creative, or productive, but I still beat myself up about how many things I didn’t get done which feeds my helplessness cycle and fuels all of my anxiety and guilt around not being able to be the me “I used to be”.

It is its own wild form of insanity; being chronically ill.

So, with my pain cycles getting increasingly worse, and the medical system, mental health system still not able to provide me with timely care, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

I have been waiting for a multi-diciplinary pain clinic since April, that has been put off due to the COVID-19 pandemic. For the record, tommorrow is October. 6 months past the start date I have been waiting, with about 3 months lead time before that, so a total of 9 months I have been waiting for information about how to manage my pain on a daily basis. There are no plans to start the pain clinic that I was referred to.

I could not wait any longer.

I didn’t see me having another 9 months in me to wait in this condition, not with my sanity intact, because my pain triggers me.

What happened this past year is that my chronic pain triggered fear, my worst fear. Then it triggered residual trauma from my childhood, and as I am dealing with my pain cycles, I am also cycically dealing with the risidual affects of that early life stuff that I thought I had outgrown. Tough to explain, even tougher to navigate.

With the last 6-7 or more cycles causing severe damage to my life, and my emotional state I needed to find another solution that could swiftly, and thouroughly get me healthy, naturally.

So, I found my own pain clinic. (by way of a woman from Tenessee, funny small world story!). It is virtual, and multi-diciplinary, and provided through MSP (The provincial Medical Services Plan) at no cost.

I have started that pain clinic!!!

I have also hired a health and fitness coach!!!!!

She will teach me how to navigate nutrition in a way that will best suit my needs, to stabalize my hormone imbalances and inflammation. Introduce proper meal sizes and food types. I have managed to get my eating disorder identified, but being coached through the process of learning how to porperly nourish my body will really help me in my healing going forward. Food has always been a source of emotional comfort for me, and overindulgence has been a source of inflammation in my body for a while now. So, learning how to eat for my body and not for my feelings is something that I am working on with my coach.

I have committed to 16 weeks with my health and fitness coach.

I also quit smoking THC using laser accupuncture.

Between the Coach who takes care of everything physical that isnt pain and the pain clinic managing the affects of pain both physically and emotionally, plus not being addicted to THC, I think I have a pretty good shot at getting my health in check, and really getting to a space where I am chronically well.

I am gunning for the all illusive Chronic Wellness, wish me luck.

Ready or not… here I go!

-B.