UPDATE from week one.

Well, shit.

There were some amazing things, and some not so amazing things accomplished this week.

I had really high and unrealistic expectations of myself, but that is pretty normal for me. This time I had a coach and a real solid plan that should technically work (and will work for a person who doesn’t have a severe anxiety issue).

It seems I am forever reconciling between my abilities and my expectations, looking for some balance and consistancy.

I started off the week with Monday being Day 1 with my coach. I had my plan for the week, and had taken the time on the Sunday to do the shopping and the meal prep to be successful with the eating routine. I weighed in with her at 202 lbs. I did the photos in the bathingsuit! You know, the whole deal! Monday was a pretty great day! Probably wins the prize for the best day last week!

On Tuesday I said goodbye to THC. I did laser accupunture to relieve my body of the mental and physical addiction to thc. I managed really well with walking and focusing on my nutrition plan. I was triggered into deeper anxiety with other circumstances of the day, like appointments and people not respecting clear boundaries of mine. I walked twice and took extra measures to take good care of myself through Tuesday with grace. My body was vibrating with anxiety that I was unable to fully calm.

Wednesday was a good day compated to Tuesday. I was having chills, and I usually get chills when my anxiety is creeping up. I focused on my meals and ate as much as I could understanding that I will need to ride a few waves of emotions while I detoxify my system, as well as the emotional shitstorm from the day before was still settling.

Thursday I cleaned the house in the morning and it all went downhill from there.

I couldn’t eat.

I walked twice to try to calm my anxiety.

By bedtime I was so wound up that a small tired statement from my husband put me into a full blown panic attack- ugly crying on the bathroom floor kind of panic attack. (I dont know if you have ever had the pleasure of meeting my husband, but he is a damn Saint). He takes my hand and gets me up. He leads me to our bed where he comforts me back to reality- or at least to the point of exhaustion where I stop crying long enough for my body to slip into sleep.

Friday I spend the day exhausted and really working through what had happened for me emotionally the night before. I had the painter in my office- So I was not able to use my office space to calm down like I usually do. ( My office is seriously my favorite room in the house.)

I spent the day working through some deep emotional things with my soul sister!

We helped eachother reconcile what was happening in the present moments with what was going on in our heads from our pasts, helping eachother see the progress that we forget we have made.

She understands growth and trauma setbacks. She understands the realm of physical symptoms that I experience, because she shares some of the same issues. We joke about sending eachother therapy bills, because we are THAT supportive of eachothers authenticity.

After our conversation, I was able to put together a healthy dinner to-go to take with us for Family Date Night. We did tacos on the beach at English Bay… our favorite family date night spot this summer. We really enjoyed our evening with the kids. We even stopped for gelato at the famous gelato shop on the “way” home. (It is out of the way, but well worth it)

My husband and I crawl into bed after a long exhausing couple of days, and I fall apart again.

I feel so guilty for falling apart.

I battle with being enough with my condition. I have times where I hate that I have to deal with all of this, that it all feels too heavy to carry. Friday night was one of those times.

It is the moments like those that terrify me that I will just be too much for my husband one day. One day he will decide that he doesn’t want to spend the rest of his forseeable days picking his wife up off the bathroom floor.

Before I was chronically ill- I never worried about my husband not thinking I was enough. Now it seems I need constant reassurance.

I know that these are just the bad days, but I would really like to have less of them. I often catch myself getting really negative when I am not capable of doing the same things I used to be able to do.

Jason has worked with me so much in learning what I need from him, as I eliminate my old mental habits and patterns. We have learned by trial and error, the intricacies of caring for me in cycles of pain that create CPTSD cycles mentally. It is tricky to navigate.

Jason comforted me to sleep on Friday night and I woke up again on Saturday morning in tears.

At this point Jason and I had a serious talk about what wasn’t working. We realized that the anxiety was not just going to get better. That the THC was still required to control my anxiety while I get my hormones balanced.

3 days into an anxiety attack all I can do is cry in the fetal postiton. All this does is trigger my cptsd responses. We said enough is enough. Anxiety like that is damaging to my body. It creates adrenal fatigue symptoms, those are like exhaustions big brother… adrenal fatigue is no joke.

I succumbed to the fact that I do need to medicate my anxiety.

Also- it is probably not the best idea to just stop taking anxiety medicine, of any kind, just you know, for the record. (I can be a stupid smart person sometimes!!!)

I instantly felt the anxiety lift. I was able to stop crying and pull myself together by 3:00pm on Saturday to go and throw some Axes! Jason of course asked if I wanted to cancel going on our axe throwing date… I didnt want to cancel, I thought it was way more important that him and I go and have a little fun together. So we did!

Sunday we slept in a little bit and I worked on re-arranging my office space. We watched a little football and had a relaxing day at home.

The ripple affect of the first week has extended into week two for me as cycles do.

So all in all week one did NOT go as planned.

I could not remain off of THC, however the laser therapy treatment that I did knocked my tolerance down significantly. I am now using a 1/4 of the amount to have the same level of effectivness on my anxiety. Due to the nature of the drug, and all drugs, your body builds up a tolerance to them. So, even though I am dissapointed that I am not free and clear, I am happy that I found a healthy way to keep my tolerance low.

I did manage to lose 8.6 lbs last week, I was on track to lose more than that- but went off plan Friday/ Saturday and Sunday.

Week one wasn’t successful in the ways that I planned, but I think this way is what was needed.

I am proud of how far I have come, setbacks and all. Progress never needs to be perfect… I need to keep reminding myself that.

-B.