Shame on me!

If there is any hint of imperfection while I stare my trauma in the face, shame on me.

It doesn’t matter that my life feels like it is in the balance, shame on me for showing emotion in my trepidation.

It doesn’t matter that I literally have to help the medical system help me- so that I can survive, shame on me for having enough drive to survive to have a “new diagnosis of the week”. I must be a hypochondriac, shame on me.

Shame on me for spending so much time on myself.

Scraping together moments of time that match up with moments when I have cognitive clarity all while attempting, and failing horribly at maintaining a life that I was once capable of, shame on me.

Shame on me for fighting for the love of my life, while I battled my other demons completely alone, shame on me.

Shame on me for showing up the only way I knew how to; and saving my marriage.

Shame on me for being hurt by pandemic divorce jokes; when I was contemplating that reality, shame on me.

Shame on me for being hurt when my rock bottom life is the butt of your jokes.

Shame on me for believing in anything beyond, or more divine than myself.

Shame on me for being traumatized my entire life by nearly every person who said that they love me. Shame on me.

Shame on me for being unwanted, especially now that I am no longer anyone’s version of perfect.

Shame on me for not being able to be quiet or good enough to not get the shit beaten out of me as a child, physically at first, and then emotionally for a long time after that. Shame on me.

Shame on me for my parents choices.

Shame on me for never having the space to have a voice- then learning how to have one only in anger as I defended myself against the people who raised me. All I ever did in my first family was defend myself, there was rarely happiness available to me; and never without a cost or an exchange. Happiness was not taught to me as something that is free and readily available. Shame on me.

Shame on me for being physically bigger than the other children. I got different portions, and food restrictions. I got verbal comments and pokes and jabs from the whole family- about my appearance… literally shame on me.

Shame on me for only having access to foods that were unhealthy for me, and shame on me for feeling so deprived and unloved that I chose food as a coping tool. Shame on me.

Shame on me for losing my shit when I am being abused, after I have specifically asked for a boundary due to a my known trauma… shame on me for losing my temper.

Shame on me for being emotional when I am being abused. Especially as an adult.

Shame on me for learning how to heal.

Shame on me for learning how to be better than I was.

Shame on me for asking why.

Shame on me for all of the things that I was taught were out of my control.

Shame on me for realizing that my life is in my control.

Shame on me for expecting help from people that say that they love me.

Shame on me for asking for help.

Shame on me for needing more.

Shame on me for wanting solitude, specifically peaceful solitude.

Shame on me for scraping together, with zero resources, in a pandemic.

Shame on me for having self respect.

Shame on me for maintaining a space held for my healing.

Shame on me for being a warrior.

Shame on me for speaking about being a warrior.

Shame on me for needing to tell my story.

Shame on me for wanting to help others ease their dis-eases.

Shame on me.

Shame on me for healing relentlessly. Through trauma, through fear, through pain, through broken relationships, through parenting and even through a pandemic… through it all… shame on me.

Humanity still uses shame, it is engrained in our sub culture, in humanity.

Shame is a tool that is used by humans to get them to comply with being a certain way. We are all taught it from a very young age, how to give and receive shame.

Giving and receiving shame are taught more extensively than giving and receiving love.

Think about that.

Shame is used pretty much from birth to “help” a child conform to society’s standards. Shame is an archaic tool, that should hopefully be recognized as doing way more harm than good.

I am a fairly sturdy individual, but I can assure you that shame is not the way to build resilience, ever.

Stop it.

Since I began sloughing off the shame that people try to place on me, I have found more resilience than ever before.

Shame is generational. Brene Brown has done research on shame, and I will say this again she has been a huge influence on how I chose my healing path. The information that she provided me with the work that she has put into the world has undoubtedly helped me navigate the stigma of mental health advocacy and the shame attached to that when you are advocating for yourself.

I am a natural advocate, for literally anyone and everyone in my life who needs one.

I enjoy helping people, and when given the opportunity I am often told that I have a profound impact on how a person feels. I make people feel special.

People don’t need shame. There is enough of it in the world. Part of being trauma informed is knowing what shame is and how it contributes to people’s lives. We have been conditioned to make shame.

I don’t need shame, certainly not from people who claim to love me!

Shame is not welcome here. Shame was left behind as soon as I realized that it was there. I intentionally burned the shame bridge to the ground.

I’ve shed all of the shame; released all of the guilt that it tries to hide behind.

There’s no shame on me, and I don’t even feel guilty about it!

-B. 💋

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