Hold your judgements; this is my journey, not yours.

And… I’m late for warrior practice!

Post traumatic growth and judgement from others will always be bonded together in our judgmental,stigmatizing, segregating societies.

It is a social norm, and it is disgusting to me.

Just look at how people are segregating other people however they can by color, sexual orientation, nationality, abilities, wealth, vaccination status, physical stature, race, religion, etc this list could go a mile!

Judgment will come no matter what. Just be aware of that, and be your most authentic self anyway.

Shine your light brighter, right in their judgemental faces. Be you, authentically you, let them judge, allow for it. Remind yourself that if you are bothering them by being you, that’s on them.

So those of us that choose post traumatic growth as a lifestyle are signing up for the relentless judgment and criticism from all of those around us, but especially those who even claim to love us.

The choices we make for ourselves are criticized and often even sabotaged by those closest to us, after all we are making changes away from the bad habits we all created together!

Changing your lifestyle to better yourself is criticized by those who haven’t figured those pieces out yet, and celebrated by those who have.

There has never been much said about the path between trauma and post traumatic growth. Typically this is the butterfly phase , where the majority of the population hides in their Cacoon, only to emerge when they are “all better”. People retreat into themselves or addictions because of the fear of rejection they receive for admitting what they need to survive.

This is why it is so celebrated by those of us who have emerged the other side, we know it is harsh and lonely and we know what it takes to make it through to post traumatic growth.

Warriors celebrate the survival of other warriors it’s what we do!!

So, what about for the people like me, who have come to find out that the cocoon method just isn’t going to be in line with my enhanced values; or moral code of ethics. But I wasn’t quite feeling like a warrior yet?

We practice, and it looks a little sloppy at first, because we need practice. Hence the practicing!

It got gritty there at times, and I wanted to give up. But I didn’t. I practiced being a warrior instead.

It might appear messy the way that I have done my journey but it isn’t. It’s just my journey, the conversations and emotional out bursts were things that needed releasing, then boundaries were established to create a healthy environment (my hypothetical caccoon) followed by repeated efforts, in the face of failures I pushed forward.

I’d be some hypocrite to be asking others to be the changes we wanted to see if I were not doing the work for myself.

I practiced being a warrior, rather than submitting… over and over.

I failed and I learned and I tried again, broken and battered, bruised and scared.

I kept standing up, like a warrior.

Post traumatic growth is unchartered territory for the majority of people. It was new for me too, but I learned to be braver faster to become a warrior in my own story.

The only people who seem to have ever heard of post traumatic growth are emerging trauma practitioners, and trauma focused counselling and coaching practitioners.

Trauma is becoming more widely understood out of necessity as the world is still in the midst of the chaos/ aftermath confusion of the pandemic.

In hindsight we are able to see things more clearly, so I have the advantage of both perspectives here.

This journey is mine, all mine. It might get a little messy, but that’s okay, I’m a little messy sometimes. I think we all are; Ive simply decided not to be ashamed of my emotions, or myself anymore.

I get to choose my path and make my own decisions based on what I know. I ought to be able to live without judgement, but the reality is that judgment is a trait that many carry through their lives. It is easy to judge me I’m sure, and judge away if you believe it will serve you.

You could waste your time judging my journey, or you could set out to be your own warrior or your own journey.

Until you’ve lived my journey your judgement will never have authority over my decisions so put your energy elsewhere and save us all your judgment. We have warrior practice to attend!

Hold your judgment; this is my journey not yours… and I am late for warrior practice.

-B.💋

Dear Trauma,

Dear Trauma,

It’s not you, it’s me.

I’m asking you to leave.

I could sit here and list all of the reasons why our relationship is abusive, but that would be a waste of my breath and your time.

We have both known for a long time that this day is coming, and it is here.

I’ve heard myself whisper “I deserve more” too many times to not listen.

I’ve broken into a thousand pieces and picked myself up over and over again, with the help of few- all because YOU were holding me up when I couldn’t. I didn’t know how to take care of my needs so you decided to lend a hand where you could, always causing more harm than necessary.

Being held by you is a dangerous place for my sensitive heart.

I need you to let go now, please.

You have had plenty of time to adjust your presence in my life to something that we can BOTH tolerate.

For the past two years you have had pretty much free reign to find your place with me to walk the rest of our life together.

Together we walked through cognitive dissonance and existential way finding- for that I will forever be in gratitude.

I don’t even mind the sideways looks when I say that I am grateful for you, the root of my demise and source of my originally perceived brokenness; it is quite a juxtaposition for a closed mind to conquer.

I will come to appreciate your presence more as I release the last remanence of you and me that intertwine; releasing me back into the world where colours are brighter and the weight gravity feels less depressing.

It seems like an odd thing to say in a moment such as this, but I love you.

Thank you for walking me to this part of my journey in life.

It’s time for you to let go.

Goodbye Trauma.

-B.💋

Step Into Awareness

I no longer fear abandonment, because I am aware of how it affects me. I am finally aware.

I spent the early parts of my life appeasing other people to the point of self sabotage in the form of abandonment of my own needs.

I unintentionally abandoned my needs, and I am facing the affects of this in my life today in the condition of my cells, and their ability to keep regenerating.

Abandonment, and the attachment style that nurtured me used to play a guiding role in my life.

I used to behave and act in conditioned ways.

I was practicing behaviours that really didn’t serve anything that I was trying to cultivate or implement in my life.

I was living without awareness.

I was shocked to learn that as you learn what it means to love yourself; this means that you also learn what it means to not love yourself. If you have been there, you know, it is really no surprise that if you are going to change something about your life, you must first become aware of it.

This means that you have to become aware of how you are showing up for yourself before you are capabale of showing up for anyone else. I only became aware of what I was actually in control of after I learned to have awareness.

Before awareness, I was doing “really well” all things considering ; looking back to where I came from, I was thriving…or I thought I was. Right up until my whole world flipped over with this condition, and I realized I was not serving myself in really any of the ways I could be. I was caught in the cycles of life without awareness. I was lost.

If you do not have awareness you have not started the work yet.

Awareness is a prerequisite for this kind of work.

Without it you are often sitting in the dark most likely with discontent scattered around your life.

Being fully aware of the circumsatances you are facing is a messy place to be. It is challenging and it can get pretty dark for most people, but this is where most of us muster the desire to change. This is where the changes happen, this is where the heightened awareness really happens.

Awareness isn’t really about finding all of the good, that comes well after for most of us.

Typically speaking lack of awareness comes from people who aren’t able to see the positives in situations. The most negative people are the most ignorant to awareness and its benefits.

Once you have awareness you have the base for everything else you need, because you understand where you are, the good, the bad and the ugly and then you have to cultivate a plan to get through it all.

Awareness allows you to see yourself in the whole picture, where you stand in relation to everyone and every thing around you.

You can see your own faults, and how you must change to fulfill your personal alignment… you acknowledge the things that don’t serve you and take action away from old habits; but it all starts with awareness.

It’s about taking awareness to the depth that allows you to look at your ego, and acknowledge those shadowed pieces of you too. It took the abandoned shame and guilt and the awareness.

Once you step into awareness, you give yourself more opportunities to heal.

-B.💋