That’s it. A witness to what I was experiencing.
Someone to hold space for what is true for me.
Someone to witness my progressions and my failures as they are, in relation to my journey; not theirs.
Someone to wanted to understand my perspective from more than just a superficial level.
It seems so simple, yet very few people are capable of this whole hearted task; to simply witness someone’s experience.
No judgement, no need to influence the outcome, just a witness to what is true for you.
If you truly want to help someone through, just be a loving witness to their journey.
When you are not at your best, the truth is it is hard to let anyone be a witness to the vulnerability that is the healing process. But if you want to heal, being willing to be vulnerable will expedite the process.
The only way out is through, so why not double down and make something really happen for yourself, if the cost is a bit of courage to be vulnerable in exchange for healing, I had to take the chance.
Vulnerability is the currency of healing.
For me, practicing vulnerability has been a challenging task, because of the needing a witness part of healing, because I am traditionally a people pleasing/ self-sabotage type.
My brain nearly exploded when I recognized that the witness was there to see the weaknesses and the lies that I was telling myself too; not just the masks and anti-vulnerability facade’s I used to show the world.
I people pleased as my career, in my life and in my relationships. Pleasing people was much easier on my heart than disappointing people.
Then I realized that the way I was showing up in my life was serving everyone but me I decided to make changes and start to learn how to not excessively show up for people who don’t ever do the same for me.
I began setting boundaries.
I began being vulnerable.
I stopped people pleasing and started focusing on what I needed.
Here’s the thing about what happened next; it was the worst case of tough love from the universe I’ve experienced this decade.
I was faced with a choice. I change the way that I think, act and behave, or trauma would probably consume my life and my bed would be where I lived from. I chose no bed. And I knew that my journey would be challenging, so with all my courage I asked for help.
I let the people that I thought could help support my journey by at least witnessing it know what I was experiencing, intimate details. I over shared because I had a false sense of safety.
The people that I had been people pleasing the absolute most all turned their backs on me when I needed to take care of myself. And couldn’t people please anymore.
When I shared my vulnerabilities, raw and authentic, I was intentionally isolated and abandoned by people that I considered family, and some that are literally family.
The people that I had been people pleasing the most were the closest relationships in my life. Our lives were all connected, stitched together apparently by my ability to over please people.
This is very common and not really talked about. The unhealed traumas we all carry with us from what we missed out learning from our parents. We are all in it blind packing our unhealed traumas around hurting eachother with them until we find a witness.
That’s the basics of generational trauma. pick a trauma any trauma, if it is not healed or “handled” in a healthy way you keep repeating the lesson until you learn it, passing the unhealed parts to your children and so on.
Mine is an example of abandonment trauma.
If I don’t behave in a certain way I believe that I am not worthy of acceptance, or love because I was not worthy of love without conditions. That is a belief I used to adhere to. I would people please around it.
Take your family, or those you consider family and look at the dynamics. How often to people you know use their hurt to hurt people? Intentionally or not. How often did you use your hurt to hurt people?
How often has anyone lovingly witnessed your raw vulnerable hurt?
Everyone is so triggered by people experiencing their own hurt, their own felt emotions that there is never space for the person trying to express themselves, because of someone else having a response to their own stuff.
So here’s the generational trauma healing secret… because some of the people you love simply won’t witness your hurt, they don’t want to, and you can’t make them want to.
So you have to use the best resource you have.
If you need support figuring out where to start contact a coach, counsellor, friend, group, podcast, or a book on the topic or area that you wish to engage in.
Every single one of those things is going to teach you how to be a better resource for yourself. Self regulation, self soothing, self self self. How to get self from one place to another. Goal setting and getting yourself there.
You can witness yourself moving forward and making progress; it takes making the actions to make the progress though.
Witness yourself. Observe yourself. Notice your goals and intentions becoming achieved realities.
Witness yourself from the loving and understanding space that you’ve always needed.
Practice it on yourself first, because you need it most.
Witnessing unconditional love in any form is beautiful, but there is something about experiencing it for yourself, from yourself.
You can be your own witness, start by learning self love. What does it mean to you? Define that and see how your life changes when you meet the definition of self love you created.
All I needed was a witness, so I learned to observe myself creating more unconditional love and be one.
I became the witness to what I was experiencing, and I learned how to differentiate feelings from reactions.
I learned to hold space for what is true for me, and what is true for other people even when things are contradictory. People believe from their own lived experiences, myself included.
I witnessed and celebrated my progressions and failures, I learned to take them as they are and not make them a reason to sabotage progress.
I learned to understand where some of my behaviours are stemming from, to learn why and heal those parts too.
I have become capable of so much more than I ever anticipated by witnessing my emotions and not suffocating them.
If you learn to observe yourself without judgement your healing journey will be a beautiful experience.
You become the witness that you need in the times where you are left alone to battle your own shadows.
After all, you’ve been the only one experiencing your journey all along… you are already the only witness to all of your combined experiences.
Be your own witness, cheer for your own small victories one at a time, and witness them change your life.
All I needed was a witness.